1 00:01:07,733 --> 00:01:10,088 What the hell...? 2 00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,529 Huh. 3 00:01:26,493 --> 00:01:29,007 Hey, kid. 4 00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:32,169 Coffee and an apple fritter. 5 00:01:32,253 --> 00:01:36,451 I'm just brewing up a fresh pot, sir, and the apple fritters need to cool down. 6 00:01:36,533 --> 00:01:40,242 Kid, if I wanted your life story, I would have bought the book. 7 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:43,405 Coffee and an apple fritter, now! 8 00:01:43,493 --> 00:01:47,406 Sir, they're not ready just yet. I have some decaf brewed. 9 00:01:47,493 --> 00:01:52,931 Why would I, or anybody in their right mind, voluntarily drink decaf, huh? 10 00:01:54,373 --> 00:01:57,206 All right, tell me when it's ready. 11 00:01:57,293 --> 00:02:01,332 And make it snappy, kid. Some of us actually work for a living. 12 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:05,611 Every morning the same thing. Bitter old fart! 13 00:02:07,453 --> 00:02:10,445 Well, he wants bitter, 14 00:02:10,533 --> 00:02:12,728 I'll give him bitter. 15 00:02:13,853 --> 00:02:17,448 I ask you, whatever happened to "The customer's always right"? 16 00:02:17,533 --> 00:02:21,412 - That went out with automats. - Yeah, you're livin' in the past, daddio. 17 00:02:21,493 --> 00:02:24,690 What's the matter with you? Something wrong? 18 00:02:24,773 --> 00:02:27,241 Sort of. I have this... 19 00:02:27,373 --> 00:02:30,683 Whoa! I didn't say anything about sharing. 20 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,972 Sir? Your order's ready. 21 00:02:35,053 --> 00:02:36,884 Thank you. 22 00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:40,965 Huh! 23 00:02:41,053 --> 00:02:46,173 Hey! This fritter isn't cooled down enough yet. 24 00:02:46,253 --> 00:02:48,403 Dammit! 25 00:02:55,013 --> 00:03:00,246 Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but, I tell you, things didn't used to be this way. 26 00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,369 Oh. 27 00:03:05,813 --> 00:03:07,405 Aaaah! 28 00:03:07,493 --> 00:03:10,405 - Burn your tongue? - No. 29 00:03:10,493 --> 00:03:13,610 That kid peed in my coffee. 30 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,251 He-he! 31 00:04:31,893 --> 00:04:36,045 Anyone care to make a little wager on the big fight tonight? 32 00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:39,170 Does boxing still have that standing eight-count rule? 33 00:04:39,253 --> 00:04:43,405 - Yeah. - Might as well be watching a pillow fight. 34 00:04:44,573 --> 00:04:48,851 I lost all interest in the sweet science when Kid McCoy retired from the ring. 35 00:04:48,933 --> 00:04:51,925 - The real McCoy. - Who? 36 00:04:52,013 --> 00:04:57,724 World middleweight champion and inventor of the infamous corkscrew punch. 37 00:04:57,813 --> 00:05:02,250 Would tear the flesh right off his opponents. 38 00:05:02,333 --> 00:05:08,681 He was also convicted of killing his married lover and shooting three other people. 39 00:05:08,813 --> 00:05:12,931 I still love that line in his suicide note. 40 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,528 "I can't endure this world's madness any longer. " 41 00:05:16,653 --> 00:05:19,850 A fighter and a philosopher, huh? 42 00:05:19,933 --> 00:05:24,529 But that's exactly what's missing from this bland day and age. 43 00:05:24,613 --> 00:05:27,446 Personalities, characters, 44 00:05:27,533 --> 00:05:31,367 individuals with an inspirational flare. 45 00:05:31,453 --> 00:05:37,244 For example, a while back I was out wandering on the old country highway. 46 00:05:37,333 --> 00:05:41,565 I was just looking for... I don't know, 47 00:05:41,653 --> 00:05:44,247 a new sort of titillation. 48 00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:48,372 But all I found was the same old thing. 49 00:06:02,293 --> 00:06:05,251 What you doin' here by your lonesome, old-timer? 50 00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,324 Waitin' for a ride. 51 00:06:07,413 --> 00:06:10,211 Yeah? You been waitin' long? 52 00:06:10,293 --> 00:06:12,887 So many cars passed by, I lost count. 53 00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:16,682 People are reluctant to pick up hitchhikers these days. 54 00:06:16,773 --> 00:06:19,810 In ancient times the Greeks always had to help vagabonds 55 00:06:19,893 --> 00:06:24,762 because they never knew if the beggar might be one of their gods in disguise. 56 00:06:24,853 --> 00:06:29,483 Nowadays, itjust seems safer to assume that every stranger is a devil. 57 00:06:29,613 --> 00:06:32,923 Could be a serial killer, or worse. 58 00:06:33,013 --> 00:06:35,129 So how do you know I'm not? 59 00:06:35,253 --> 00:06:38,529 You didn't strike me as the serial-killer type, pops! 60 00:06:38,613 --> 00:06:44,245 - You're an expert on serial killers? - No. I'm not an expert or anything, 61 00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:47,086 but I do spend a lot of time reading true-crime books. 62 00:06:47,213 --> 00:06:50,011 Ah! True-crime books! 63 00:06:50,133 --> 00:06:54,092 - Yeah! - Exactly! 64 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,563 Well, you see where this story is headed. 65 00:06:56,653 --> 00:07:01,169 As it turned out, the kid not only had an interest in serial killers, 66 00:07:01,253 --> 00:07:03,972 he once made contact with one. 67 00:07:06,053 --> 00:07:11,081 This was made in prison by Johnnie Mack Potter, the most prolific murderer in America. 68 00:07:11,173 --> 00:07:14,210 He was convicted of killing 36 people. 69 00:07:14,293 --> 00:07:16,488 How'd you get a hold of that? 70 00:07:16,573 --> 00:07:22,170 Well, he used to be the janitor and mascot at my school, Roosevelt High Red Devils. 71 00:07:22,253 --> 00:07:25,689 He was caught the year before I attended, so I never met him, 72 00:07:25,773 --> 00:07:28,526 but every day I'd walk down those hallways, 73 00:07:28,613 --> 00:07:34,483 I couldn't help but think to myself "Wow! A serial killer once cleaned these. " 74 00:07:34,573 --> 00:07:39,124 - "Wow" is right! - So I wrote to him in prison. 75 00:07:39,253 --> 00:07:41,528 He sent me this devil dohickey. 76 00:07:41,613 --> 00:07:46,289 Oh, but here I am probably boring you with all this killer talk. 77 00:07:47,413 --> 00:07:52,248 That's Johnnie Mack Potter in his old mascot uniform. How'd you get that? 78 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:56,087 I'm a murder-memorabilia collector myself. 79 00:07:59,493 --> 00:08:03,964 You know, it's kinda neat to be able to talk to someone about this stuff 80 00:08:04,053 --> 00:08:06,726 and not feel like a sicko. 81 00:08:06,813 --> 00:08:12,206 Perry, why do you think you possess this morbid fascination with serial killers? 82 00:08:12,293 --> 00:08:17,162 Well, I'll be honest with ya, I don't know. 83 00:08:17,253 --> 00:08:21,929 It's nothing to do with the fact that you possess so many characteristics 84 00:08:22,013 --> 00:08:24,402 of the prototypical serial killer? 85 00:08:24,493 --> 00:08:26,882 - What? - White, male in his 20s. 86 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:32,764 The product of a broken home who spent his youth starting fires and/or torturing animals. 87 00:08:32,853 --> 00:08:35,572 An early addiction to drugs and/or alcohol. 88 00:08:35,693 --> 00:08:39,732 An inability to hold a steady job or relationship with women. 89 00:08:39,813 --> 00:08:47,288 Dreaming about turning your masochistic mutilation sex fantasies into reality, 90 00:08:47,373 --> 00:08:54,006 to say nothing of the fact you drive a van and keep duct tape in your glove compartment. 91 00:08:56,533 --> 00:09:00,606 How the hell did...? What are you trying to tell me? 92 00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:04,286 Play the hand you've been dealt. 93 00:09:05,853 --> 00:09:08,731 Good lord! Don't tell me that's all it took! 94 00:09:08,813 --> 00:09:13,250 You know, we were so envious when Man was given free will, 95 00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:15,642 but what has it brought them? 96 00:09:15,733 --> 00:09:20,204 The belief that life's determined by everything other than their own will. 97 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,682 And the right to vote. 98 00:09:23,373 --> 00:09:24,931 Uh-huh. 99 00:09:25,013 --> 00:09:30,212 Wait a minute. I'm confused. The man became a serial killer because...? 100 00:09:30,293 --> 00:09:33,285 Yes. Just because. 101 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:37,525 His first victim was a prostitute, as was to be expected. 102 00:09:37,653 --> 00:09:41,692 I was concerned that his initial reaction was a tad over-sensitive. 103 00:09:41,773 --> 00:09:45,925 Don't worry. It's like your first beer. 104 00:09:46,013 --> 00:09:51,804 You get used to it and eventually life doesn't seem as good without it. 105 00:09:53,973 --> 00:09:59,684 I wanna become the most prolific serial killer in the history of this country. 106 00:09:59,813 --> 00:10:03,726 He didn't want to be the most colourful killer or the most weird. 107 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:07,209 He just wanted to break Johnnie Mack Potter's record. 108 00:10:07,293 --> 00:10:10,171 Quantity not quality. Hah. 109 00:10:10,253 --> 00:10:15,168 His "originality" was prostitutes. He killed another one that very night. 110 00:10:15,253 --> 00:10:18,723 - Then it was prostitute after prostitute. - Been there. Done that. 111 00:10:18,853 --> 00:10:22,971 One night I did manage to inject some irony into his blandness. 112 00:10:23,053 --> 00:10:26,443 I talked him into attacking a self-proclaimed devil worshipper. 113 00:10:26,533 --> 00:10:28,603 Satan! 114 00:10:28,693 --> 00:10:30,684 Save me! 115 00:10:30,773 --> 00:10:33,685 Satan, save me please! 116 00:10:33,773 --> 00:10:37,561 No! Satan! 117 00:10:37,653 --> 00:10:40,087 Save me! 118 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:43,483 "Satan, save me!" 119 00:10:43,573 --> 00:10:47,851 Yeah. I bet there was no divine intervention there, huh? 120 00:10:48,653 --> 00:10:54,171 Unfortunately, that very next night he was right back to prostitutes. 121 00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:58,405 So clich�d was this guy that he often returned to the scene of the crime 122 00:10:58,493 --> 00:11:02,850 because, you know, that's what killers supposedly do. 123 00:11:03,893 --> 00:11:05,963 Looks like they found number 36. 124 00:11:06,053 --> 00:11:10,444 One more and I top Johnnie Mack Potter. Then I become the serial killing champ. 125 00:11:10,533 --> 00:11:13,764 Maybe you should get T-shirts printed up. 126 00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:33,166 Wait a minute. What did this man look like? 127 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,888 I know how terrible this'll sound, but they all look the same to me. 128 00:11:36,973 --> 00:11:38,201 Oh! 129 00:11:38,293 --> 00:11:42,650 But I swear to God this man reacted like he had glimpsed my true essence. 130 00:11:42,733 --> 00:11:46,203 Impossible! It's not in their nature. 131 00:11:46,293 --> 00:11:50,332 All right, so my story's a little out there. 132 00:11:50,413 --> 00:11:52,608 Go with it. 133 00:11:53,733 --> 00:11:56,805 In any case, having seen this weird guy, 134 00:11:56,893 --> 00:12:02,092 being so bored with my killer, I figured enough was enough. 135 00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:19,970 After they got the fingerprints off it, it didn't take them long. 136 00:12:20,053 --> 00:12:22,647 - Freeze! - Hold it right there! 137 00:12:22,733 --> 00:12:24,132 Mr Blerick! 138 00:12:24,213 --> 00:12:27,171 Of course, I was nowhere to be found! 139 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:32,446 Later he told the police that I was the one responsible for the murders! 140 00:12:32,533 --> 00:12:34,728 They're always blaming others. 141 00:12:34,813 --> 00:12:41,048 The criminal psychologist deduced that the elderly hitchhiker didn't actually exist. 142 00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:46,651 It was merely one segment of the killer's split personality! 143 00:12:48,413 --> 00:12:52,531 So after some time had passed, and I felt it was the right time, 144 00:12:52,613 --> 00:12:58,131 I sent my killer companion a friendly little note of advice. 145 00:13:04,973 --> 00:13:08,090 - Did he do it? - He gave it the old college try. 146 00:13:11,013 --> 00:13:14,483 Too bad he had never gone to college. 147 00:13:14,573 --> 00:13:19,806 But then it was all for nothing, wasn't it? You didn't achieve total closure. 148 00:13:19,893 --> 00:13:24,728 Well, it's my attitude that sometimes you have to sacrifice self-satisfaction 149 00:13:24,813 --> 00:13:28,044 for a sense of poetic justice. 150 00:13:49,493 --> 00:13:52,849 And that, my friend, is why Johnnie Mack Potter remains 151 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:58,929 the reigning, and still undisputed, serial killing champion. 152 00:14:09,453 --> 00:14:14,447 - Hello? Is this the Helm residence? - Uh, yes, it is. 153 00:14:14,533 --> 00:14:19,607 - May I please speak to Mr Helm? - This is him. What's the matter? 154 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:25,529 Nothing, unless you're being overcharged by your long-distance phone company. 155 00:14:25,613 --> 00:14:28,411 May I ask which current service you use? 156 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,404 What? What time is it? 157 00:14:30,493 --> 00:14:35,692 It's time to start saving over 30�/. on your long-distance calls. 158 00:14:35,773 --> 00:14:38,367 Now, if you'll sign up with us... 159 00:14:41,773 --> 00:14:44,367 Ha-ha-ha! Ha! 160 00:14:44,453 --> 00:14:49,766 I don't like working with serial killers. If they get caught, they end up on death row, 161 00:14:49,853 --> 00:14:53,766 which is the only place where humans can still find God. 162 00:14:53,853 --> 00:14:57,209 The trouble with serial killers is they're too evil. 163 00:14:57,293 --> 00:15:02,003 - Hey, if you're afraid of 'em. - That's not what I meant, and you know it. 164 00:15:02,093 --> 00:15:06,405 - What did you mean? - Their evil is too conspicuous. 165 00:15:06,493 --> 00:15:12,443 When people hear about psycho killers it can lead them to thinking about the nature of evil, 166 00:15:12,533 --> 00:15:15,923 which leads to thoughts about right or wrong. 167 00:15:16,013 --> 00:15:18,243 That thinking can get ugly. 168 00:15:18,373 --> 00:15:21,251 You don't want 'em considering crap like that. 169 00:15:21,333 --> 00:15:24,689 You just want 'em to go through the routine of living their lives. 170 00:15:24,773 --> 00:15:27,606 And what do you do to gut their souls? 171 00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,888 I don't do squat any more. 172 00:15:29,973 --> 00:15:33,204 - They do it all for ya. - I'm not sure I'm following. 173 00:15:33,293 --> 00:15:38,413 Mankind has progressed to a point in its dim-witted history 174 00:15:38,493 --> 00:15:43,169 where life has been drained of all its enchantment. 175 00:15:43,253 --> 00:15:46,290 All you've gotta do is sit back and enjoy. 176 00:15:52,653 --> 00:15:57,204 I mean, I ask you, what evil genius invented the alarm clock? 177 00:15:57,293 --> 00:16:01,650 No other creature but man could concoct a device that interrupts, daily, 178 00:16:01,733 --> 00:16:05,328 their only natural state of happiness. 179 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:22,808 And no doubt the evil genius's evil twin contributed the snooze button. 180 00:16:31,613 --> 00:16:33,410 Oh, boy! 181 00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:37,490 - I beg you! - Other human instruments of torture, 182 00:16:37,573 --> 00:16:42,567 the rack, the iron maiden, are no match for their modern version. 183 00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:44,166 Stop! 184 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:47,882 Used in a regiment of self-inflicted suffering, 185 00:16:47,973 --> 00:16:52,330 all in the name of vanity and rock-hard abs. 186 00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:04,650 Their efforts to distance themselves from their animal natures 187 00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:08,043 only show what dumb beasts they truly are. 188 00:17:14,573 --> 00:17:17,326 Required to cover their God-given bodies, 189 00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:22,203 they also tie a superfluous constricting piece of cloth around their necks 190 00:17:22,293 --> 00:17:24,602 for no reason whatsoever. 191 00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:31,212 I fail to see how any of this leads them to eternal damnation. 192 00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:36,965 They fail to see it too because they think they're livin' a so-called normal life. 193 00:17:37,053 --> 00:17:42,525 You have no idea the torments they'll put themselves through for the sake of such a life. 194 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:48,608 They'll spend a third of every day at a place they can't stand 195 00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:53,642 doin'stuff they don't want to do, all in the name of earning a living. 196 00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:57,328 I've seen punishments in hell less severe. 197 00:17:58,413 --> 00:18:03,407 When not at work, their free time is spent in servitude performing menial chores, 198 00:18:03,493 --> 00:18:07,168 none of which could be called life-affirming. 199 00:18:08,373 --> 00:18:10,807 As a wise devil once said, 200 00:18:10,893 --> 00:18:15,967 "All roads to hell lead through coin-operated Laundromats. " 201 00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:22,487 You seem to be forgetting one little thing in this method of yours - sin. 202 00:18:22,573 --> 00:18:24,768 I choose to forget it. 203 00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:28,050 - Because humans have as well. - Oh, brother! 204 00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:33,002 I don't mean they stop committing sins. Just the opposite. 205 00:18:42,253 --> 00:18:46,690 They sin so often, it's just become another part of their routine. 206 00:18:46,773 --> 00:18:53,372 Whatever passion compelled them to commit such acts has long since passed away. 207 00:18:53,453 --> 00:18:55,683 Yeah. Go, baby. 208 00:18:55,773 --> 00:18:57,843 Go. 209 00:18:57,933 --> 00:18:59,685 Do it. 210 00:18:59,773 --> 00:19:02,526 Shake that thing. 211 00:19:02,613 --> 00:19:05,286 Yeah. Yahoo. 212 00:19:05,373 --> 00:19:08,890 Do it. 213 00:19:08,973 --> 00:19:11,248 Take it off. 214 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,449 Take it all off. 215 00:19:14,613 --> 00:19:16,205 Do it. 216 00:19:17,773 --> 00:19:19,411 Do it. 217 00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:24,169 Even their less-guilty pleasures are less than pleasures. 218 00:19:47,573 --> 00:19:50,292 Um... Am I missing something? 219 00:19:50,373 --> 00:19:56,084 Yeah. Having him fall asleep is not the same as having him fall into the fiery pits of hell. 220 00:19:56,173 --> 00:19:58,641 How can you ruin them if you don't interact with them? 221 00:19:58,733 --> 00:20:03,523 Oh, every once in a while I interact with them, but nothing too evil. 222 00:20:03,613 --> 00:20:05,888 Minor irritations are all you need. 223 00:20:06,013 --> 00:20:11,485 And I find, the best irritations utilise their own man-made laws. 224 00:20:28,813 --> 00:20:33,648 - Hey, I just parked there. - Ah! Tell it to the judge! 225 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:37,248 Hey! What's with this ticket? The meter hasn't even run out. 226 00:20:38,853 --> 00:20:41,003 Oh! 227 00:20:45,053 --> 00:20:49,808 - The same guy that saw Blerick? - No. He wasn't reacting to my inner essence. 228 00:20:49,893 --> 00:20:53,329 All humans look horrified when confronting an authority figure. 229 00:20:53,413 --> 00:20:57,725 - Hey, did this guy look depressed? - Why? 230 00:20:57,813 --> 00:21:02,329 I read an article about people using St John's wort to cure depression. 231 00:21:02,453 --> 00:21:06,810 In the Middle Ages, humans used it and claimed to see devils. 232 00:21:06,893 --> 00:21:09,043 Ah! Old wives' tales! 233 00:21:09,133 --> 00:21:15,003 Still... Does this guy look like he might be using this St John's wort? 234 00:21:15,093 --> 00:21:18,085 He looks like he needed a vat of the stuff. 235 00:21:18,173 --> 00:21:22,928 It doesn't matter what they take. It's not in their nature to see us. 236 00:21:23,013 --> 00:21:26,164 Yeah, you don't even know how to damn them. 237 00:21:26,253 --> 00:21:28,369 I just told you. 238 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:34,801 You simply let them go through the routine of living their lives as they see fit. 239 00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:50,448 Until they realise 240 00:21:50,533 --> 00:21:53,525 their lives are unfit to live. 241 00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:27,289 It never ceases to amuse me how these idiots only learn to appreciate the freedom of life 242 00:22:27,373 --> 00:22:30,092 just when they're taking it, 243 00:22:30,173 --> 00:22:33,324 and just before they hit pay dirt. 244 00:22:33,413 --> 00:22:34,402 Argh! 245 00:22:40,573 --> 00:22:45,328 Well, if you ask me, subtlety is for closet homosexuals. 246 00:22:45,413 --> 00:22:47,881 What's that crack supposed to mean? 247 00:22:47,973 --> 00:22:53,684 I just find your laissez-faire style as lame as the souls you're destroying. 248 00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:57,209 Why be a devil if you can't have a little fun? 249 00:22:57,293 --> 00:23:01,684 I'm familiar with your methods, and I find them crass and unpoetic. 250 00:23:01,773 --> 00:23:04,333 Yeah, like an atom bomb. 251 00:23:04,413 --> 00:23:09,043 That's another plus with my technique - mass damnation. 252 00:23:09,133 --> 00:23:13,684 I just did ajob that damaged millions of souls with one big shebang. 253 00:23:13,773 --> 00:23:15,445 How? 254 00:23:15,533 --> 00:23:20,812 Simply by using the instruments Satan himself created for that very purpose. 255 00:23:20,893 --> 00:23:23,202 Crap. 256 00:23:23,293 --> 00:23:28,731 On page seven, your use of the word "crap" is unacceptable to broadcast standards. 257 00:23:28,813 --> 00:23:35,252 No, it is acceptable to use "crap" only when not referring to defecation. 258 00:23:35,333 --> 00:23:38,450 No, the use of "defecation" is not acceptable either. 259 00:23:38,533 --> 00:23:43,607 We suggest that you do not describe it and simply cut the scene entirely. 260 00:23:43,693 --> 00:23:46,844 That word is completely unacceptable. 261 00:23:46,933 --> 00:23:49,845 Oh, you were reacting, not suggesting. I see. 262 00:23:49,933 --> 00:23:53,642 Well, my next objection begins on page eight... 263 00:23:53,733 --> 00:23:58,602 Now, every network has a censor, a guardian of moral rectitude, 264 00:23:58,693 --> 00:24:04,689 whose job is to ensure the viewing public is not corrupted by scenes of sex, violence 265 00:24:04,773 --> 00:24:07,970 or any other miscellaneous vulgarity. 266 00:24:08,053 --> 00:24:11,887 No, it doesn't matter that aliens have no genitalia. 267 00:24:11,973 --> 00:24:16,569 They still have groins and they shouldn't be kicked there. It is unacceptable. 268 00:24:16,653 --> 00:24:19,042 Jeez, that sounds like a crappy job. 269 00:24:19,133 --> 00:24:21,772 Imagine the weight they must bear, 270 00:24:21,853 --> 00:24:26,165 the burden of maintaining a nation's morality on your shoulders? 271 00:24:26,253 --> 00:24:28,209 It's just TV! 272 00:24:28,293 --> 00:24:33,083 Ah, but you're forgetting how humans regard everything in their lives now 273 00:24:33,173 --> 00:24:35,482 as a matter of life and death. 274 00:24:35,573 --> 00:24:39,452 Under that constant pressure, making 'em crack is a snap. 275 00:24:40,253 --> 00:24:42,164 Unacceptable! 276 00:24:42,253 --> 00:24:47,281 If you show a pile of dung, it must be dry dung, not moist. Why? 277 00:24:47,373 --> 00:24:54,245 Because I bear the burden of maintaining a nation's morality on my very shoulders. 278 00:25:14,173 --> 00:25:16,971 It's not... acceptable. 279 00:25:23,333 --> 00:25:27,121 - Rinky-dink kids' stuff. - I'm telling you, it's very effective. 280 00:25:27,213 --> 00:25:31,001 - It's so stale and outdated. - No. It's very modern. 281 00:25:31,093 --> 00:25:36,292 In the old days, if you materialised before them they all knew what they were seeing - 282 00:25:36,373 --> 00:25:40,366 the external evidence of a demon trying to tempt their soul. 283 00:25:40,453 --> 00:25:43,445 But nowadays they all assume it's internal - 284 00:25:43,533 --> 00:25:49,529 a psychological breakdown manifesting itself in the form of a visual hallucination. 285 00:25:49,613 --> 00:25:53,652 - And you called me lame! - The effects are immediate. 286 00:25:53,733 --> 00:25:57,203 One materialisation, and they're convinced they're bonkers. 287 00:25:57,293 --> 00:26:00,046 - But then what? - Then they go bonkers. 288 00:26:06,133 --> 00:26:11,412 I always enjoy seeing how their madness manifests itself. 289 00:26:28,533 --> 00:26:32,367 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 290 00:26:33,493 --> 00:26:38,408 This is unacceptable. This is acceptable. 291 00:26:38,533 --> 00:26:40,569 This is... unacceptable. 292 00:26:40,693 --> 00:26:45,209 This is total perversion. This is way beyond acceptable... 293 00:26:45,293 --> 00:26:50,731 His insanity threw him directly into the belly of the beast. 294 00:27:00,133 --> 00:27:02,647 Oh, this is borderline. 295 00:27:02,733 --> 00:27:05,327 Um... No. We're on the border here. 296 00:27:05,413 --> 00:27:09,964 Oh, we're over the border here. We're into another unacceptable zone. 297 00:27:10,093 --> 00:27:12,209 No, this... 298 00:27:12,293 --> 00:27:14,284 No, I... Un... 299 00:27:29,773 --> 00:27:33,049 Oh, no. No. No. 300 00:27:33,173 --> 00:27:35,084 No, no, no, no, no. 301 00:27:35,173 --> 00:27:37,164 This is not acceptable. 302 00:27:37,253 --> 00:27:41,166 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices, and this is not acceptable. 303 00:27:41,293 --> 00:27:44,171 We're going to cut. 304 00:27:44,293 --> 00:27:46,329 No excessive use of violence. 305 00:27:46,453 --> 00:27:49,525 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. 306 00:27:49,613 --> 00:27:51,649 No excessive use of violence! 307 00:27:51,733 --> 00:27:54,008 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. 308 00:27:54,133 --> 00:27:56,408 No excessive use of violence! 309 00:27:56,533 --> 00:28:02,642 You'll not get away with this. The final scene is gratuitously violent! 310 00:28:02,733 --> 00:28:08,603 Aliens are a superior race and would not utilise automatic weapons. 311 00:28:08,693 --> 00:28:13,892 I will not approve this! I am Broadcast Standards and Practices! 312 00:28:22,133 --> 00:28:26,172 What...? What do you want from me? 313 00:28:26,293 --> 00:28:30,491 - Enough words. Time for action. - What? 314 00:28:30,613 --> 00:28:35,733 You bear the burden of maintaining a nation's morality on your shoulders. 315 00:28:35,853 --> 00:28:39,368 - You mean...? - Yes. Kill them all. 316 00:28:40,373 --> 00:28:42,329 Enough words. 317 00:28:44,213 --> 00:28:46,169 Time for action. 318 00:28:46,253 --> 00:28:49,325 Yes. Now, shut up and dance! 319 00:28:59,533 --> 00:29:06,006 You see, their grasp on sanity, and thus their souls, is precarious at best. 320 00:29:06,093 --> 00:29:08,163 I should say so. 321 00:29:17,373 --> 00:29:19,409 Camera move. 322 00:29:28,853 --> 00:29:31,242 OK, aliens ready now? 323 00:29:34,933 --> 00:29:38,448 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. This is unacceptable. 324 00:29:38,533 --> 00:29:40,728 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. 325 00:29:42,293 --> 00:29:44,204 No excessive use of blood! 326 00:29:45,693 --> 00:29:48,161 No excessive use of violence! 327 00:29:50,213 --> 00:29:53,125 - Run! - This is all unacceptable. 328 00:29:53,213 --> 00:29:56,922 I am Broadcast Standards and Practices. Everything is unacceptable! 329 00:29:57,013 --> 00:30:01,325 Everything is unacceptable! 330 00:30:29,173 --> 00:30:31,528 Is that thing still rolling? 331 00:30:57,373 --> 00:30:59,762 60, take three. Tail slate. 332 00:31:01,133 --> 00:31:03,886 Hey, that's where I saw that guy. 333 00:31:03,973 --> 00:31:07,886 - What guy? - The depressed guy that saw you and Abum. 334 00:31:07,973 --> 00:31:11,966 He was at the aftermath of the alien massacre. 335 00:31:26,213 --> 00:31:32,004 But I don't know how he saw me. I wasn't trying to appear as an hallucination. 336 00:31:32,093 --> 00:31:35,130 Now you're losing your grasp on sanity. 337 00:31:35,213 --> 00:31:37,363 Hold on. Not so fast. 338 00:31:37,493 --> 00:31:42,886 You boasted that the soul that you damned, ended up damning millions of others. 339 00:31:42,973 --> 00:31:46,522 - How do you figure? - Just take my word for it. 340 00:31:46,613 --> 00:31:51,448 Not every network has such strict broadcast standards and practices. 341 00:31:51,573 --> 00:31:57,443 These extra-terrestrial visitors need to phone home 342 00:31:57,573 --> 00:31:59,529 and 911. 343 00:32:01,173 --> 00:32:05,405 "When Humans Attack", right after these messages. 344 00:32:16,933 --> 00:32:19,322 He knows what we are. 345 00:32:20,333 --> 00:32:25,453 The man that you've all seen, who seems to see us so clearly? 346 00:32:25,533 --> 00:32:29,606 I've seen him, too. He knows what we are. 347 00:32:29,733 --> 00:32:33,328 It's an impossibility! He can't know. 348 00:32:34,813 --> 00:32:39,284 - He told me himself. - What? When did this happen? 349 00:32:39,373 --> 00:32:43,810 The other day I... I'd rather not talk about it. 350 00:32:43,893 --> 00:32:46,885 You can't not tell us. What happened? 351 00:32:48,293 --> 00:32:51,171 You don't understand. It's personal. 352 00:32:52,213 --> 00:32:57,571 - How the hell can it be personal? - The details. 353 00:32:57,653 --> 00:33:02,932 - They're so tawdry and sordid. - Now I must insist you tell us. 354 00:33:03,053 --> 00:33:05,647 I was at a strip joint. 355 00:33:06,693 --> 00:33:12,689 It was a quiet night and I was biding my time, on the lookout for my next damnable soul. 356 00:33:12,773 --> 00:33:15,446 It was obviously his first time in such a place, 357 00:33:15,533 --> 00:33:21,369 and I always get a kick out of seeing someone's first taste of forbidden fruit. 358 00:33:26,573 --> 00:33:30,043 But this yokel doesn't sound anything like the man we saw. 359 00:33:30,133 --> 00:33:35,491 - Can everyone see our true essence? - No, this kid didn't see my true essence. 360 00:33:35,573 --> 00:33:41,887 Hell, he didn't even see me. He saw himself, his potential future. 361 00:33:41,973 --> 00:33:45,568 It scared the bejesus out of him. 362 00:33:45,653 --> 00:33:51,523 Sure. Yuck it up. It's really funny when it ain't happening to you. 363 00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:54,889 But this is just another reminder that... 364 00:33:56,293 --> 00:33:59,410 - I'm losing my touch. - Ah, no, you're not. 365 00:33:59,533 --> 00:34:01,444 No. It's true. 366 00:34:01,533 --> 00:34:04,286 It's been so long since I tempted a soul. 367 00:34:04,373 --> 00:34:09,811 Now here I am scaring wide-eyed innocents back to the other side. 368 00:34:09,893 --> 00:34:15,013 In any case, I was feeling very vulnerable at that particular moment. 369 00:34:16,693 --> 00:34:22,563 Don't be so glum, handsome. You could use a personal-fantasy dance. 370 00:34:24,053 --> 00:34:26,886 - How much are they? - 20 bucks a dance. 371 00:34:27,933 --> 00:34:33,724 - How much for an eternity's worth? - 20 with a sideways eight next to it. 372 00:34:40,893 --> 00:34:43,885 - What's your name? - Chantilly. 373 00:34:45,693 --> 00:34:48,412 - What's yours? - Engelbert. 374 00:34:50,573 --> 00:34:52,768 What's your real name? 375 00:34:57,093 --> 00:34:59,926 Sally. What's yours? 376 00:35:00,013 --> 00:35:04,529 Toby. How long have you had the tattoo? 377 00:35:04,613 --> 00:35:08,572 I got it when I started stripping. Should have seen me back then. 378 00:35:08,653 --> 00:35:12,771 - I was a right little hell-raiser. - I bet you were. 379 00:35:12,853 --> 00:35:15,321 I was gonna sow my wild oats, 380 00:35:15,413 --> 00:35:18,530 settle down, get pregnant 381 00:35:18,613 --> 00:35:21,571 and watch my little devil grow big. 382 00:35:23,013 --> 00:35:28,133 - I guess that's not gonna happen now. - Stranger things have happened. 383 00:35:28,213 --> 00:35:32,843 Of course, girls nowadays, tattoos all over their bodies, 384 00:35:32,933 --> 00:35:37,563 fake boob jobs, pierced tongues, who knows what all! 385 00:35:37,653 --> 00:35:43,330 - I guess I'm just... old-fashioned. - Times change easier than people. 386 00:35:43,413 --> 00:35:45,768 Ain't it the truth? 387 00:35:45,853 --> 00:35:49,050 I should have quit dancing years ago, 388 00:35:49,133 --> 00:35:51,966 but I have no other skills. 389 00:35:53,213 --> 00:35:56,205 Now you're singing my song. 390 00:35:56,293 --> 00:35:58,488 Why? 391 00:35:58,573 --> 00:36:01,087 What do you do for a living? 392 00:36:04,413 --> 00:36:08,088 I guess, this. I used to be so good at it. 393 00:36:08,213 --> 00:36:10,522 But now... 394 00:36:10,613 --> 00:36:12,524 I stink. 395 00:36:12,613 --> 00:36:17,164 I don't know what happened or where it went, but it did and it's gone. 396 00:36:18,693 --> 00:36:23,721 - All good things must come to an end. - Yeah. Life's funny that way. 397 00:36:24,893 --> 00:36:27,282 "Funny" is a funny word for it. 398 00:36:41,253 --> 00:36:45,405 - Keep your hands to your sides. - I know. I'm sorry. 399 00:36:45,533 --> 00:36:48,889 Those places are really strict about that rule, aren't they? 400 00:36:49,213 --> 00:36:53,365 We were like two lost souls who, by finding each other, 401 00:36:53,453 --> 00:36:58,049 had also found the answer to all of life's mysteries 402 00:36:58,133 --> 00:37:02,126 and the secret to having lots and lots of really great sex. 403 00:37:02,253 --> 00:37:07,930 After that night we were inseparable. To be apart was painful. 404 00:37:08,013 --> 00:37:10,573 But what did you two do together? 405 00:37:10,653 --> 00:37:15,363 You don't understand. We didn't have to do anything. 406 00:37:15,453 --> 00:37:19,844 Most nights we just... laid in bed and watched TV. 407 00:37:21,293 --> 00:37:27,562 I think he's going through some kind of midlife crisis. It's common for people his age. 408 00:37:27,653 --> 00:37:30,372 Boy, this show really stinks. 409 00:37:30,453 --> 00:37:32,489 You said it. 410 00:37:32,573 --> 00:37:35,007 It was heaven. 411 00:37:38,173 --> 00:37:43,372 Even the times we had to venture out into the world were wondrous. 412 00:37:43,453 --> 00:37:47,446 Her presence made the mundane seem magnificent. 413 00:37:50,333 --> 00:37:55,566 Toby, I don't know where this story is headed, but it's starting to give me the creeps. 414 00:37:55,653 --> 00:37:59,123 - One night she saw my true essence. - Another one? 415 00:37:59,213 --> 00:38:03,923 - The world's gone mad! - She'd gone in the night to the bathroom. 416 00:38:08,853 --> 00:38:11,845 She saw me for all I'm worth, 417 00:38:11,973 --> 00:38:14,726 in all my naked devilry. 418 00:38:29,133 --> 00:38:31,931 You see, she forgave me my faults. 419 00:38:33,053 --> 00:38:36,363 One night shortly after that we happened to wander into here. 420 00:38:36,493 --> 00:38:39,769 - You brought her here? - It's a public place! 421 00:38:39,853 --> 00:38:45,132 I know, but there are some places where women don't belong. 422 00:38:45,213 --> 00:38:47,647 We sat at this very table and I said to her 423 00:38:47,733 --> 00:38:53,251 "Sally, there's something I've been wanting to ask you for a while now. " 424 00:38:53,333 --> 00:38:55,403 What is it, Toby? 425 00:38:56,693 --> 00:38:59,571 Sally, will you m... 426 00:38:59,653 --> 00:39:01,848 Will you m... 427 00:39:03,853 --> 00:39:08,768 Will you mind if we didn't see each other any more? 428 00:39:08,893 --> 00:39:12,727 I'm... I'm really tired of you. 429 00:39:12,813 --> 00:39:16,044 In fact, you make me sick, you... 430 00:39:17,253 --> 00:39:19,892 fat old cow. 431 00:39:19,973 --> 00:39:26,208 I could have delivered my lines better. I know I'm a bit rusty, but they were effective. 432 00:39:26,293 --> 00:39:28,284 She ran out heartbroken. 433 00:39:28,413 --> 00:39:33,362 In the old days I wouldn't have checked, but I was unsure of myself. 434 00:39:33,493 --> 00:39:38,408 So after enough time had passed, I went to her apartment. 435 00:39:38,493 --> 00:39:41,405 The police had just gotten there. 436 00:39:42,613 --> 00:39:45,002 I'm the boyfriend. 437 00:39:50,813 --> 00:39:56,490 I'm a little ashamed to admit I was worried that I might feel sympathy for this being. 438 00:39:58,253 --> 00:40:03,486 But seeing her like that only reminded me what ridiculous creatures they are, 439 00:40:03,573 --> 00:40:07,566 to destroy themselves over something so fleeting as 440 00:40:07,653 --> 00:40:11,726 emotional attachments and biological needs. 441 00:40:14,693 --> 00:40:17,366 I was overcome with relief. 442 00:40:21,693 --> 00:40:25,129 Plus, it had been such a long time since I'd notched a soul. 443 00:40:25,253 --> 00:40:29,724 - You've still got it. - Just like riding a bike. 444 00:40:29,813 --> 00:40:32,611 But that's when I saw him. 445 00:40:32,693 --> 00:40:37,050 I don't know who he was or what he was doing there, 446 00:40:37,133 --> 00:40:40,125 but he knew what I was. I could just tell. 447 00:40:49,093 --> 00:40:51,323 You must be so lonely. 448 00:40:55,093 --> 00:40:58,768 There! He merely mistook you as a grieving boyfriend, nothing more. 449 00:40:58,893 --> 00:41:01,885 He thought your relieved sobbing was hysterical sobbing. 450 00:41:02,013 --> 00:41:06,291 I told you. This man has no idea what we truly are. 451 00:41:10,413 --> 00:41:12,802 "You must be so lonely. " 452 00:42:39,653 --> 00:42:41,644 Hey, kid! 453 00:42:41,773 --> 00:42:44,128 Great cup of coffee. 454 00:42:44,213 --> 00:42:47,171 Keep up the good work. 455 00:43:37,253 --> 00:43:38,845 I made this.